Author: benergymama

‘Not Now’ Doesn’t Mean ‘Not Ever’

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Post-ponements, rain checks, cancelations. Our lives are full of them. A birthday celebration, or actual birth, you were not able to attend. A graduation ceremony or wedding postponed. A family vacation or work event cancelled. There is not a human on the planet whose daily routines, and major life events, have not been turned upside down.

The ancient Greeks had two words for time: chronos and kairos. Chronos was associated with actual “clock” time – measurable, consistent segments of time passing. Chronos is the time of day planners, project management deadlines, birthdays and anniversaries recorded on our calendars. Chronos time is the number of days you’ve been home-bound. The number of days your child has been home from school. The number of days that you haven’t been to the hair stylist, gym or coffee shop.

Kairos, on the other head, referred to the meaning of any moment in time. Kairos (the Greek god of Opportunity) reflected the intuitive sensibility of “the time is right…,”“now is the moment..,” “it was the time of her life.”  Its meaning captured the deeper significance of any moment – not because of the clock or calendar, but because of the context and content of life at that moment.

There is no doubt that many of the “chronos” moments of the past weeks have been disrupted for you. Still, a home-bound order doesn’t diminish our kairos experience of this time. In fact, it enhances it. Decades from now we will remember “this time” with more profound insight than any one calendar date that was cancelled or postponed.

The disappointment, even sorrow and grief, we feel over disrupted life events is valid. We have looked forward to them with anticipation, planned for months – even years – for the life transition they represent. But in the midst of these chronos losses, the opportunity to celebration the significance of the event still remains. 

You may not walk across the graduation stage as imagined; but no one can take away the accomplishment of your academic achievement. You may not have been able to gather as an extended family around a grave site, or held a newborn grandchild, but the ultimate meaning of those life and deaths moments are not diminished because of the physical absence.

The question I have for you today is – What “chronos” time in your life has been affected by the coronavirus crisis (specific dates on the calendar, anniversaries, birthdays, memorials, scheduled gatherings)? 

Now, and more importantly, what “kairos time” do these dates represent? A time of celebration? A time for memorial or mourning? A life milestone or rite of passage? The meaning, accomplishment and opportunity of those “moments in time” remain, even if the date upon which you publically celebrate them has changed. 

We are all becoming more wise to the truth in things unseen (or seen on a screen instead of in-person!). Let’s not lose sight of the kairos – the meaning of the moments of our life – while we count the chronos days of quarantine.

This is a time of opportunity. Our modern time wandering in the wilderness. Let’s travel together.

Noticing Joy

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Sometimes we’re so driven by the psychological satisfaction we get from crossing a task from our list that we confuse productivity with pleasure. Don’t get me wrong – getting stuff done is rewarding. It alleviates stress, clears our mind and time for other (more important) work, and keeps things moving forward. Without steady accomplishment, life becomes unmanageable and our work ineffective.

But as leaders, we must remember that achieving is not the same as aspiring, and our competencies shouldn’t solely define our commitments. When we’ve focused for too long on what we can produce versus where we feel passion, it’s easy to find ourselves deep into a career with many important job responsibilities but very little joy.

Last week I encouraged you to take a close look at a “maybe yes” in your life to determine if you should walk away (“Hell No!) or lean further in with your whole heart and attention (“Hell Yes!). This can be difficult to discern, especially if you tend to be driven by a strong sense of responsibility. Yet, when it comes to where we commit our time, energy and skill, just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should do it. 

So, here’s another way to approach the question: Does it bring you joy? How do you actually feel when you are engaged in this task (responsibility, relationship, role)? It can’t be sunshine and roses all the time, but if you feel more dread, or even boredom, than you do true excitement, intrigue, enjoyment and delight, it’s time to reassess why it deserves your attention. 

Obviously, there are many things we need to do as leaders (parents, friends, community members, etc.) that don’t spark joy (sorry Marie Kondo), but when it comes to the essential commitments in our lives, this is absolutely a worthy question.

So, just notice. Catch yourself experiencing joy. Those moments that matter might be the greatest clues to what you should be saying “Hell Yes!” to in your life.

On the journey – Anne

From “Maybe Yes” to “Hell No!”

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Once a leader asked me to serve on a volunteer committee, and my immediate response was “Hell No!” I was already overcommitted with work and family and knew with absolute certainty that I couldn’t handle anything else on my plate. The leader laughed and said, “Well, I’d rather have a ‘hell no’ than a ‘maybe yes’.”

This week I’d like for you to look out for parts of your life where you are a ‘maybe yes.’ These may be obligations that grew out of scope-creep in your job; a volunteer position you said yes to out of guilt; a project that you thought would be no big deal but is now sucking up your time an energy.

A ‘Maybe yes’ dilutes your energy, time and leadership brand. Time spent in these areas typically yields mediocre outcomes while sacrificing focus you could be dedicating to activities that are truly important to you.

As you go through your week, pay attention to the meetings, tasks, and other obligations that are taking your time and energy. If you find a lot of them in the murky zone when it comes to purpose, clarity and commitment, take a step back and consider why this ‘maybe yes’ is in your life:

– you assumed too much responsibility when it wasn’t really necessary (couldn’t say no or poor boundaries)

– you thought just because you could do it that you should do it (the achiever’s trap)

– your strategy is murky (great strategy means you’re just as clear about what you are not doing as what you are doing)

– you’re still doing something out of habit even through the initial objective is complete or no longer relevant

– you’re ambivalent about a so-called commitment in your life, and it’s showing up in a half-hearted attitude and effort

As as leader, you need to be ALL IN, bringing a “Hell Yes!” to the things that are meaningful and strategic in your life and the lives of those you serve. One of the fastest ways to clear room for a “Hell Yes!” is to turn a “Maybe Yes” into a “Hell No!” 

No big decisions or changes this week; just notice how you’re spending your time and the attitude you’re bringing to those endeavors. Your goal is to move through the muck into the meaningful.

On the journey – Anne